Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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