He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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