i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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