I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
