I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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