what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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