how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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