So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
