There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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