he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
