I just cut my nipple shaving
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
