im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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