I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
