I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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