Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
