i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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