I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize