Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
