Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Randomize
