Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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