I wish I only lived at night.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
