He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
