You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
