how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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