Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
