Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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