he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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