she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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