and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
