I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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