Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
