I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
