My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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