Whod you bang
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
