I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
