I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
