I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize