My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
