Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
