when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
