The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
