I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
