Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
