my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
