some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
