Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
This is classic penis vs brain.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm sobbing to NWA
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
