Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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