I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
