connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
