Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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