how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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