While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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