her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
