Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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