you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
