I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
