I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My vagina is officially offended.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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