I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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