I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize