I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
organizing the empties. That sober.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
