did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
ttyl tear gas
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
