She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
